012 | Gut Check
Gut Check Club
Gut Check Club

Gut check #012 written by ATM on 11/25/20.

Sources of pride

I built out the test cryostation and figured out what we needed for the cryogenic electronics when nobody was clear about it.
I wrote the poem about Nagymama, about the dumbo party.
I worked on the farm and applied even though it was not a secure job.
I learned Clojure?
I went to the recurse center?
I did bike camping and camped on my own.
I started the cool-tools session?

Sources of anxiety

I can’t think of a single thing to be proud of at my last two jobs.
I don’t like spending time on a computer.
I often can’t solve algorithm/security challenges.
I don’t know what I have to offer in a job.
I don’t complete my studies (language, drawing, sicp/databases/analyses)
I couldn’t analyze the data well for the energyhub/voltus interview
I plow through content (reading so fast, but can’t remember what i read)
I read through things but don’t feel them (audre lorde group seems to have gotten a lot more than i did out of the readings)
I don’t stick to things
I don’t have initiative?
aimless, lost
feel like i don’t have strong feelings or noticings/ways to ask questions without a class
just hopping from event to event without any thought or reflection of my own

Bold future dreams

to feel proud of myself and like i’m good at what i do
to feel like explaining something isn’t exhausting and repetitive
to feel like i am my own teacher, can be interested in something not just plod through an assignment.
to draw like the santa fe mural (dan isaac bortz)
to go bike camping again
to feel good in my body
to listen to my feelings
to be able to feel happy and not just frantic/frenetic/vacant/hungry for new excitement to feed on