Gut check #011 written by SM on 8/5/20.

Sources of pride

I am proud that I am authentically a creative person. Everything I am good at comes from a place of real invention. I can create something from nothing. An idea from anywhere can be developed into something of great value. I have the intelligence and instinct to push things in just the right way. My instincts are killer. I just sense things. I have an ability to convince, manipulate, in a way. It is not something I work at, it is just something that happens. I am proud of my tenacity to bring things to a point of perfection, the ability to dig in deep and take it to the finish line. I am proud of my talents as a designer. I am proud to be a designer. More than any other title I’ve had in my life, of which there have been many, designer rings true for me. I am a designer of conceptual journeys, a designer of systems and situations, and a designer of visual experiences.

Sources of anxiety

I have a habit of being apologetic for my natural abilities. I am good at multiple things. I am experienced at multiple things. And yet, I allow myself to be hemmed in, made smaller than I am, put in a box, defined by others—who, by the way, do not really know me nor understand the power of what I can do. I am naturally a leader. It is not a forceful style leadership it is the let-you-follow kind of leadership. I don’t aim for this. It is just what happens, in so many scenarios, my whole life. Yet, I am too easily intimidated by the forceful type. The type that needs the label. The type of person that relies on others to move them forward. The type that pushes down in order to lift themselves. Time and time again I see these type people have a power over me. I let them suppress, I let them make me feel small. This gives me anxiety. I don’t like this quality in myself. I rationalize it by wanting to be easy-going, by being kind, never disruptive, always going with the flow. In the short run, yes, it is the path of least resistance. But in the long run, it is not nice to myself. It will not serve me in the future. I must resist in order to grow.

Bold future dreams

I want to be proud of everything I have done. I want to give each effort, each new project, the love and attentiveness it deserves. I want to commit to doing and learning new things every year. I want to be kinder to myself. Forgiving of my flaws. I want to develop and lead a team of people that are supporters. In order for my creative talents to be put to best use, I need to welcome help and support. I need to let go of certain things that anyone can do. I need to do only the things that only I can do.

I want the decade of 40 to 50 to be the most exciting time of my life. I want to go big. It is time now to apply the gas. Bold and unapologetic. I want to have the confidence to welcome opportunities that may have before now seemed hard. Later, after this decade, I want 50 to 60 to be cruising. At speed. Then, I want 60 to 70 to be thoughtful and meditative and slower. From a place of achievement and expertise. I can write more books, teach, and feel content that I used my mind in all the best ways while I was able.